What is wrong…I mean…how did this happen? How can I prevent this from happening again?
I’m nineteen, live in Texas, and am 1/2 british by birth, 1/2 black.
I moved here from the Northeast a year and a half ago for my dad’s job. For years in the northeast I was depressed. I felt like shit all the time. I was spiteful and hateful towards people especially mom. My mom always ignored me whenever I cried. Once she tried to slap me and choke me when no one was home after I asked her to give me a ride to sports practice and she said no, but I REALLY had to go because I was on Varsity. I felt terrible about it. Plus people at school were ignoring me. Not paying attention. I felt like a blank blob of a person, like people just saw a black blob and nothing else. In sports my coach wasn’t playing me. Instead of me, a dedicated 6-year player, he played someone who had only been playing for 1 season and 1 summer. Then I went to my friends house. I stayed there for 2 months and I only saw my mom in family therapy, which was once a week. but one day I had a complete meltdown. And it was like no one was listening, everyone was silent as I melted down..I didn’t eat for 5 days straight. On the fifth day something weird happened. I got crazy dreams, and when I woke up I couldn’t sleep again.* I didn’t sleep for 3 days straight and my mom kept me home from school. I had hallucinations. It’s happened before when I was little. My mind goes blank, and I don’t eat or sleep for days. I had this hallucination where people were talking to me and I kept seeing a hooded black figure – sometimes behind and sometimes in front of me- which caused me to run after him when my mom was at the supermarket and chase him into a dark street and across a major highway, where the cops found me and took me to the hospital.
When we moved here it was like nothing changed. Dad called me a "criminal" and a "liar*". Mom ignored me. They pay my hospital bills and medical fees and Im on 3 anti psychotic meds. The meds are working but the doctor prescribed the hthird med last week, leading me to question if a 3rd is necessary.. He said yes, theyll work. They aren’t working, though. I feel some aches here and there – the back of my head rings with tinnitus, I can’t sleep, and I feel scared to tell someone. I would call my doctor but he’ll take me to the hospital. The hospitals lock you up for DAYS if they suspect you are not performing to the best of your abilities. I mean, they won’t let you go if you are not in your right mind unless you fool the nurses. I don’t have time for that because college resumes on Monday. Every time I try to tell someone what’s going on I freeze up it’s as if I can’t comprehend what theyre saying, only what they mean.I can’t trust people because they don’t seem to respond. When people fo not respond to you would be bad idea.HsaaI don’t think I’m a normal person – I don’t like music or movies or blogging. (welll duh im not normal.)I get crushes on people which turn out bad. I like anime and manga, websites, and drawing – all things which my mom calls "crap". I’m exhausted enough ATM to go to sleep on the keyboard.
I’m ommitting a lot of background*
You have no idea what it means to me. BA gets ten points.
Filed under: Tinnitus Treatment
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If your doctor is a general practitioner and not a psychiatrist, you need to go to a psychiatrist immediately. If your doctor is a psychiatrist, he’s clearly not providing therapy: he’s just providing meds. Meds are important but they are only half the solution; the other half is to help you figure yourself out and developing coping skills so you can navigate your life.
You’re not a "criminal" and your interests are not "crap" – let’s get that out of the way.
This may seem radical to you, but I did it and it was real radical at the time. When I was in high school a person automatically went to college after the summer of a person’s senior year. Period. Well, I wanted out of the house so badly that I didn’t go to college after high school. I waited until I turned 18 and then I left, got a job, got an apartment with a friend, and horrified everyone who thought my life was ruined because I didn’t go to college. Well, I knew I was going – just later. And I did. In fact I have a lot more formal education than 4 years of college. The point of me saying this is that it’s obvious you’re living at home because your parents are supporting you while you’re in school. BUT, your parents are dragging you down.
Consider not retuning after this semester is going. Get a job, and eventually an apartment. And I mean a job which is real – maybe an office job or a bank teller job (you don’t need a college degree to be a bank teller; they train you). Do that for 3 years or so and then, when you’ve saved up a little money, return to school.
You have completely lost touch with who you are. And you don’t reach out because there’s no one there for you. Well, there is one constant in your life and that is . . . . you. So, you’re going to have to find the solutions on your own for a while until you can find a therapist you can trust (and afford). First of all, you need sleep. No computers for an hour before you head to bed. Take a hot shower before you dive under the covers. Enjoy feeling cozy and safe. Then start focusing on something – a place you love, a place you would like to visit, how you want to see yourself in 5 years. Just go wild. BUT, keep the focus on that. Keep bringing yourself back to that relaxing calm place. After a while, you will learn to calm your racing thoughts. This will help you sleep and it will help you navigate your day better.
Once you’ve "tuned in" to your racing head, and learned to manage your thoughts a little, start meditating. (You can find all kinds of instruction and education about it on the web.)
Hang in there. It gets better.