I’m sorry in advance for the length. I have a LOT to get off my chest.
I’m 21 and have really severe depression and anxiety. I don’t take medication nor am I getting any other type of treatment because I can’t afford it. I’m basically the most stressed out person I’ve ever known, and I don’t really talk to anyone other than my boyfriend and my family(though I’m starting to alienate them, too). I’m unemployed and I’ve never had a job, and I dropped out of highschool and got my GED due to being sick all the time and horribly depressed. It’s only been getting worse from then on.
In the last year or so I’ve been developing some terrible chronic problems that really scare me. I would go to the doctor to figure out what’s happening, but at the moment I don’t have health care. They all happen regularly every day.
I developed tinnitus in my right ear, and it sounds and feels like my heart beating and blood rushing through that area. This happens a lot at night and when I wake up. I also feel like my heart is shaking my body violently in time with when it beats, and I can feel it beating easily. It always feels too fast or too labored and I think I’m having a heart attack. I start to feel weak and cold.
I forget to breathe, and sometimes breathing is really hard for me. I feel like I’m thinking so intensely about awful things all the time that I simply… forget.
For the last few months I’ve been in agony every night from pain coming from the middle of my stomach. It only ever happens late at night, but it happens without fail now. It sort of feels like severe heart burn, but farther down, about where the middle of my ribcage ends.
I’ve also been forgetting simple, everyday words – "chair", "paper", "frying-pan", etc., simply don’t come to me sometimes, at random. This has been happening my entire life but has been getting markedly worse lately.
I have more problems but this is long enough as it is.
I’ve been crying and feel suicidal every day now. Every day I feel like I’m going to die or that I’ve finally gone completely insane. I’m completely hopeless and spend my entire day doing absolutely nothing, just watching tv or checking things on the internet.
I want more than anything to have a job, and friends, and a real life, but I don’t believe in myself at all. I hate everything about myself, especially the way I look. No matter what anybody tells me I think I’m fat and disgusting and don’t deserve love or friendship. I love the outdoors but I never go outside because of the way I think I look.
What can I do? I really need help and nowhere to go for it. I can’t see myself living through all of this for much longer. My life is a complete mess. I just want to feel normal and happy for once. Even "slightly stressed" would be a giant step forward. Are there any anti-stress, anti-anxiety techniques that I could use? Any general advice?